Failure checklist - How to recover from a setback

First, welcome to the club.

Checkbox 1: Was This Really My True North?
Sometimes things fail. Why? Because you may not have cared enough. The fact is, highly capable people are often driven to success standards that are extrinsically measured — e.g. they provide external credentialization — but have little in common with what they truly wanted to accomplish. If you are working without meaning in a role, task, or job, your missing drive will make it harder for you to succeed. If you are conducting a post-mortem of a failure, ask yourself, Was I truly self-motivated to succeed, or was someone (or something) else driving me to succeed?

If you were following your authentic "true north" — a goal, purpose, or calling you know you were born to follow — it makes sense to evaluate how and why things went awry.

Checkbox 2: Was My Own Standard Reasonable?
Failure has much to do with internal expectations. If things don't go your way when you're launching a new strategy, or pitching a long-shot idea to a skeptical investor, don't relegate yourself gloomily to a future in middle management. Your expectations no doubt differ from other people's. Just because you enjoy French wine doesn't mean that overnight you can read the collected Molière, just as probably no one expects an individual with only a few years business experience under her belt to land a skittish CEO client. We recommend giving yourself a post-failure pep talk similar to one you'd give a new employee: You know, that guy has been a flake since day one, but turning us down was a mistake on his part. Don't sweat it — you're going to nail the next one. In short, your inner voice shouldn't berate you any more than your outer voice would address a hardworking employee.

Stretch yourself always, but never forget to calibrate your expectations. Research conducted on Olympic medal winners has found that athletes who won a bronze medal were actually happier than those who won a silver medal. It's easy to figure out why. Silver medalists fine-tune their internal standards against the dashed possibility of winning a gold medal, whereas bronze medalists are focused on the victory of standing on the Olympic podium, and of just turning in one of the three greatest performances in their sport. Ask yourself: Have you appropriately calibrated your "failure"?

Checkbox 3: Did I Try Everything Possible to Succeed?
You probably know better than anyone whether or not you tried your hardest. This is why you're the best person to evaluate how much effort you put into your "failed" endeavor. Did you exhaust every conceivable approach in your quest for success? Or did you deploy your time and energy resources on another project that was an almost-guaranteed triumph?

If in evaluating yourself you find you didn't consider other ways to accomplish your goal, ask yourself why. If you were pessimistic about the outcome from the start, you could have saved yourself time by choosing the quickest course of action. As we noted earlier, optimism is an essential ingredient of luck, and a bad attitude can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Checkbox 4: Are you being "Macromyopic" and overdramatizing the short-term impact of the mistake?
Technology pundit Bob Metcalfe, the inventor of Ethernet, has a great "law": people tend to overemphasize the short-term effects of anything while underestimating the long-term impact. Which is another way of saying that most of us view the world through the lens of a sprint, forgetting we are actually running a marathon. I've written before about "Macromyopia" — overinflating and exaggerating the aches and pains of near-term mistakes while discounting what they can teach us in the future (or for that matter, whether they matter much at all in the long run). Have a reality check on the real impact of your mistake. It may not matter as much as you think.

Checkbox 5: What can I learn from my "failure" (including how do I make damn sure not to repeat this mistake again)?
Whether your recent "failure" was internally-driven, externally-driven, or a combination, use it as a learning opportunity. If you could start over, what would you do differently? How would your approach differ? Or would you simply tweak a few salient details? Be willing to take responsibility, e.g. you may have been shortsighted by devoting weeks courting a skittish investor. Admit, too, that even in the case of a flawless performance, you might not have succeeded anyway. Again, the key here is to address whatever "failure" you've experienced, explore it, learn from it, and never repeat it.

There will always be setbacks, so you must learn how to deal with them. I follow a three-step program:

1. I allow myself 24 hours to be a complete mess. I gripe. I cry. I feel insecure. I make the party that rejected me entirely in the wrong (losers!). I punch the wall. I exercise. Then, it’s out of my system and it’s over.

2. The next morning—time to move on. I remind myself of all the amazing things that I have accomplished (“Wake up; you do have a daily radio show broadcast in 40 cities, a book deal with Crown, a monthly column in SUCCESS magazine, a pilot with a major network, a great partnership with Borders, a great life with the freedom to pursue your dream in this exact moment”) and of the setbacks I found a way to overcome.

3. Finally, I create a reason in my mind for why this rejection is the best thing that could happen for my business and brand. How did it actually strengthen me?

To build a muscle, you have to tear it down. An entrepreneur is training for success every day. Going from billionaire to bankrupt on a regular basis is the only way to get there. Trust me. It might not feel like you are on the right path, but it’s the only path there is. Ride the wave. You’ll be glad you did.

6 Ways to a More Relaxed You Stress is a word that is used for so many varied concepts that it has practically lost its original meaning. Like love. Or Coke. Understand that everyone reacts to stress differently. Some people verbally express their stressors to help cope and conquer their mounting tasks. Others draw inward, choosing to process their stress internally and plan their course of action. Genetics, too, play a part in how you handle stress, because of overactive or underactive stress responses, one’s own life experiences, and/or a history of anxiety disorder, according to Mayo Clinic research. Just Breathe. Easier said than done, really. Shallow, chest breathing—the kind most of us do involuntarily—activates the sympathetic nervous system. Its purpose is to prepare your body for fight-or-flight by raising your heart rate and blood pressure, dilating your pupils and increasing your sweat gland production. These are good for running from bears. Bad for conquering your daily to-do list. Instead, concentrate on deep breathing from your abdomen, the Mayo Clinic advises. Slow inhalation and exhalation can help reset your body’s equilibrium and lower your naturally occurring stress hormones. Clench and Release. Sometimes used as a meditation exercise, tightening and releasing your body’s muscles is a proven relaxation technique. Clenching one part of your body at a time, such as arms or legs, or your entire body all at once and holding that pose for several seconds helps release excess tension in your arms, shoulders, back and feet. And it feels good, too. Other Tricks of the Trade. While these methods can be used for any level of stress, some of the equilibrium “resets” can help give you a boost of feel-good chemicals in your body. Chew gum—it produces saliva that helps naturally curb nausea. Avoid caffeine—doctors at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine say caffeine can exacerbate anxiety in some people. Gulp ice-cold water—the jolt of cold water in your stomach will help cool your body temperature. Drink herbal tea—chamomile and jasmine contain herbal ingredients that can help promote relaxation. Drinking a hot cup of tea forces you to slow down. Drink it slowly and change whatever stress-inducing behavior you were engaged in.