Big Story: Ending the Chore Wars -- how to get your mate to help on the home front
Chore Wars: The great marital divide
By all accounts, I got lucky. My husband not only brings home his share of the bacon, but he also fries it up, scrubs the pan, and puts it away. If I'm as fortunate to have such an equitable partner as my friends say I am, then why after eight years together do we still argue over whose turn it is to take out the garbage? The short answer, it appears, is kids.
Before having children, most couples find it easier to maintain a neat house and to keep bickering about unmade beds at bay. But having kids means having more clutter to clear, loads of laundry to do, and more meals to make, and it's moms who bear most of the burden: Working women spend about twice as much time as working men on household chores and the care of the children, according to a recent time-use survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Not surprisingly, the housework gender gap is a common source of friction: A recent BabyCenter survey of more than 12,000 readers revealed that 63 percent of couples with children at home argue over cleaning. And nearly half of respondents say they resent having to do more housework, cooking, and laundry than their mates.
Not only do dust bunnies lead to marital dustups, but the responsibility for housework can also have harmful effects on women's health. A study by sociologist Chloe E. Bird published in the March 1999 issue of Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that women who do twice as much housework as their spouses have greater anxiety, depression, and worry. The least depressed people in Bird's study, both male and female, were those who split household duties down the middle.
By all accounts, I got lucky. My husband not only brings home his share of the bacon, but he also fries it up, scrubs the pan, and puts it away. If I'm as fortunate to have such an equitable partner as my friends say I am, then why after eight years together do we still argue over whose turn it is to take out the garbage? The short answer, it appears, is kids.
Before having children, most couples find it easier to maintain a neat house and to keep bickering about unmade beds at bay. But having kids means having more clutter to clear, loads of laundry to do, and more meals to make, and it's moms who bear most of the burden: Working women spend about twice as much time as working men on household chores and the care of the children, according to a recent time-use survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Not surprisingly, the housework gender gap is a common source of friction: A recent BabyCenter survey of more than 12,000 readers revealed that 63 percent of couples with children at home argue over cleaning. And nearly half of respondents say they resent having to do more housework, cooking, and laundry than their mates.
Not only do dust bunnies lead to marital dustups, but the responsibility for housework can also have harmful effects on women's health. A study by sociologist Chloe E. Bird published in the March 1999 issue of Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that women who do twice as much housework as their spouses have greater anxiety, depression, and worry. The least depressed people in Bird's study, both male and female, were those who split household duties down the middle.
Are men slackers?
If women are clearly doing more around the house, what are men doing? Guys don't appear to be totally slacking: American men in dual-income families handle a third of shopping and meal preparation. Men do roughly 15 percent of the laundry, and while that may not entitle them to bragging rights, it's an improvement over the measly 2 to 5 percent they did back in 1970. And men today are more involved parents: One in four preschoolers with working moms are watched by their fathers. "In general, men try to compare their contributions to their fathers, and compared they look very good, doing four or five times more than their fathers did," says sociologist Scott Coltrane, author of Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity.
According to several studies, men with a higher education are more likely to pick up and pitch in. Coltrane suggests that more educated men may be more likely to put women on equal footing and assume a balanced role in the household. Interestingly, research also shows men who delay fathering children until their late 20s or early 30s, move away from the neighborhood they grew up in, and have less frequent contact with their parents, or who have been divorced and remarried, are more likely to do housework. Coltrane points out that these men have had to fend for themselves, so it makes sense that they'd continue to help out.
Still, "compared to their wives and partners, men do a lot less," says Coltrane. He points to a range of explanations for the battle of the sexes on the chore front — from cultural expectations about gender roles, to a greater emphasis on a husband's career if he's the primary breadwinner, to some women's difficulty delegating work. Practically speaking, though, the broom stops with whomever spends more time at home, says Coltrane, and that's usually Mom.
Psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework, suggests that men's resistance to housework may start in childhood. From an early age, men are preoccupied with power and status (just look at any boy playing with an action-figure hero), and they may assert their independence by refusing to do something they've been asked to do. And while men feel they look pretty good compared with their fathers, they fail to factor in that their wives are also doing a lot more than their own mothers did, notes Coleman.
Now that you've learned how to get your mate to help out on the home front, read on for advice on getting your children to do their fair share. (If you're raising a boy, you'll also be doing the next generation of women a favor!)
If women are clearly doing more around the house, what are men doing? Guys don't appear to be totally slacking: American men in dual-income families handle a third of shopping and meal preparation. Men do roughly 15 percent of the laundry, and while that may not entitle them to bragging rights, it's an improvement over the measly 2 to 5 percent they did back in 1970. And men today are more involved parents: One in four preschoolers with working moms are watched by their fathers. "In general, men try to compare their contributions to their fathers, and compared they look very good, doing four or five times more than their fathers did," says sociologist Scott Coltrane, author of Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity.
According to several studies, men with a higher education are more likely to pick up and pitch in. Coltrane suggests that more educated men may be more likely to put women on equal footing and assume a balanced role in the household. Interestingly, research also shows men who delay fathering children until their late 20s or early 30s, move away from the neighborhood they grew up in, and have less frequent contact with their parents, or who have been divorced and remarried, are more likely to do housework. Coltrane points out that these men have had to fend for themselves, so it makes sense that they'd continue to help out.
Still, "compared to their wives and partners, men do a lot less," says Coltrane. He points to a range of explanations for the battle of the sexes on the chore front — from cultural expectations about gender roles, to a greater emphasis on a husband's career if he's the primary breadwinner, to some women's difficulty delegating work. Practically speaking, though, the broom stops with whomever spends more time at home, says Coltrane, and that's usually Mom.
Psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework, suggests that men's resistance to housework may start in childhood. From an early age, men are preoccupied with power and status (just look at any boy playing with an action-figure hero), and they may assert their independence by refusing to do something they've been asked to do. And while men feel they look pretty good compared with their fathers, they fail to factor in that their wives are also doing a lot more than their own mothers did, notes Coleman.
Men who do dishes do better in the bedroom
If only men knew what they were missing: Men who do more housework have better sex lives and happier marriages, according to a study by John Gottman, a psychologist who for more than three decades has been researching why relationships succeed or fail. Further research by Gottman suggests that harmony over housework may also yield happier children. His findings reveal that men who do housework frequently have kids who do better socially and academically.
If only men knew what they were missing: Men who do more housework have better sex lives and happier marriages, according to a study by John Gottman, a psychologist who for more than three decades has been researching why relationships succeed or fail. Further research by Gottman suggests that harmony over housework may also yield happier children. His findings reveal that men who do housework frequently have kids who do better socially and academically.
Nine ways to get your partner to do his fair share
Talk to him.
While you may find it hard to believe that he can't see anything's amiss with the layer of dust covering your furniture or the mildew growing on the shower curtain, the truth is if your husband's not complaining, he's probably fine living that way. "The average guy feels like if it ain't broke, don't fix it," says psychologist Coleman, a self-described lazy husband in recovery. Take the time to let him know what you mean by a "clean" house.
Instead of quietly stewing with resentment or complaining to your girlfriends, tell your spouse you need more help keeping your place (relatively) clean. Be firm, but resist nagging. "Nagging isn't very assertive — it's humiliating to the person doing the nagging and annoying to the person being nagged," says Coleman. He suggests a friendly approach: Tell your husband that you've been feeling overwhelmed and that you really need and appreciate his help. Start by creating a short to-do list for him, suggests Coleman, and pick the tasks that have been bugging you the most. You might specify jobs such as cleaning up after dinner, making the bed on the weekends, and taking primary responsibility for the baby at least one weekend morning so you can sleep in.
Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
This old adage can hold true for household chores too. "While some men feign incompetence, some genuinely have never learned how to do housework," notes sociologist Coltrane. Before your mate takes on a chore, demonstrate it for him, talking him through it as you go.
Don't be a control freak!
One of the reasons men don't help around the house as much as we'd like is that we can make them feel like they can't do anything right. So once you've shown him how to separate whites and colors, and to dust before running the vacuum, consider that his standards may never meet yours. Decide what you can live with: If the choice is to do every task yourself, or to live with his less-than-perfect housekeeping skills, you may more readily settle for adequate. A little restraint and a heaping of praise can go a long way in his wanting to be involved and useful.
Choose chores he'll want to do.
It's much easier to motivate someone to do something he likes, so if your mate's more inclined to cook than to clean up, ask him if he'll prepare more meals during the week. Of the "big five" household tasks — cooking preparation, meal cleanup, shopping, laundry, and housework — men are more likely to do the first three and least likely to do the last two, says sociologist Scott Coltrane. So strike some new deals with your spouse. If you've been doing all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning, let him troll the market aisles, cut up the vegetables, and toss the salad for dinner. He may even enjoy it. While it may seem unfair that he gets to choose jobs he wants to do, consider that it's better than the alternative — doing everything yourself!
Do a little at a time.
Splitting chores between you and your spouse over several days will keep weekends from turning into nonstop drudgery. "We used to jam all of the housework into Saturdays, but now my husband and I have designated weekdays for certain cleaning jobs," says Kate Richardson, mother of a 2-year-old. "By spreading chores out across the week, keeping a (fairly) clean house seems less overwhelming — plus we've freed up more weekend time for family fun," she says.
Appeal to his charitable side.
Show your husband that getting rid of the toys collecting cobwebs in your living room and the forgotten clothes in your closets is a great way to help a good cause and save your family money. Ask him to oversee a "giveaway box" to which he and the kids can contribute, and then put yourself on a calling list for a couple of charities and thrift stores. "They call every other month to see if we have anything to donate, and we gather up books we've finished, clothes and shoes the kids have outgrown, and toys they're bored with," says Ann Struckman, mother of three children, ages 13, 9, and 2. "The charity picks up the items and leaves a donation slip for tax write-off purposes."
Outsource!
If you can, make some cuts in your budget, and use the money to hire cleaning help. (Cost will vary depending on where you live and the size of your house, but the national average for someone to clean every week or every other week is around $75 to $110 per visit.) "We hired a housecleaning team after our daughter was born, and it's worth every penny, not just in time, but also arguments avoided," says Catherine Holecko, mother to a 3-year-old and a newborn. "Cleaning ranks way below family, work, and personal time in my order of priorities. Also, having cleaners come every two weeks forces us to do a round of picking up and de-cluttering on the day before they come."
And if he still doesn't pitch in...
"If you're still being ignored, it may be time to play hardball and say, 'I'm not going to keep doing all the things I'm doing,'" suggests psychologist Coleman. Take something off your plate that you know your mate relies on you to get done. For instance, if you usually pay the bills and your husband can't stand them to be late, tell him you're no longer paying the bills. Coleman points out that tough-love should be your last resort, but it can be surprisingly effective.
Take time to reconnect.
Finally, if you've been more irritated than usual by dishes collecting in the sink, consider whether it's merely the grimy plates that need attention. "In all my years of working with couples there seems to be this pattern: When men aren't paying attention to their wives, the housework issue becomes more of an issue," says marital therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido. "It becomes less of an issue if men are making an effort to be closer emotionally." Weiner-Davis frequently sees a vicious cycle: When women aren't getting help, they become less physically affectionate with their spouses, who in turn withdraw more emotionally. "It would ease tension if couples took the time to reconnect on a regular basis," says Weiner-Davis.
So at least once a month, do the things you used to enjoy together before you had children (and a messy house). Send the kids to Grandma's overnight so you can have a romantic evening in. Or hire a babysitter and go out for a relaxing dinner. Besides remembering what made you a good couple, the next-best part is that neither of you has to clean up the dishes afterward.
The BabyCenter Seven: Parent-tested tips for getting your child to pitch inTalk to him.
While you may find it hard to believe that he can't see anything's amiss with the layer of dust covering your furniture or the mildew growing on the shower curtain, the truth is if your husband's not complaining, he's probably fine living that way. "The average guy feels like if it ain't broke, don't fix it," says psychologist Coleman, a self-described lazy husband in recovery. Take the time to let him know what you mean by a "clean" house.
Instead of quietly stewing with resentment or complaining to your girlfriends, tell your spouse you need more help keeping your place (relatively) clean. Be firm, but resist nagging. "Nagging isn't very assertive — it's humiliating to the person doing the nagging and annoying to the person being nagged," says Coleman. He suggests a friendly approach: Tell your husband that you've been feeling overwhelmed and that you really need and appreciate his help. Start by creating a short to-do list for him, suggests Coleman, and pick the tasks that have been bugging you the most. You might specify jobs such as cleaning up after dinner, making the bed on the weekends, and taking primary responsibility for the baby at least one weekend morning so you can sleep in.
Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
This old adage can hold true for household chores too. "While some men feign incompetence, some genuinely have never learned how to do housework," notes sociologist Coltrane. Before your mate takes on a chore, demonstrate it for him, talking him through it as you go.
Don't be a control freak!
One of the reasons men don't help around the house as much as we'd like is that we can make them feel like they can't do anything right. So once you've shown him how to separate whites and colors, and to dust before running the vacuum, consider that his standards may never meet yours. Decide what you can live with: If the choice is to do every task yourself, or to live with his less-than-perfect housekeeping skills, you may more readily settle for adequate. A little restraint and a heaping of praise can go a long way in his wanting to be involved and useful.
Choose chores he'll want to do.
It's much easier to motivate someone to do something he likes, so if your mate's more inclined to cook than to clean up, ask him if he'll prepare more meals during the week. Of the "big five" household tasks — cooking preparation, meal cleanup, shopping, laundry, and housework — men are more likely to do the first three and least likely to do the last two, says sociologist Scott Coltrane. So strike some new deals with your spouse. If you've been doing all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning, let him troll the market aisles, cut up the vegetables, and toss the salad for dinner. He may even enjoy it. While it may seem unfair that he gets to choose jobs he wants to do, consider that it's better than the alternative — doing everything yourself!
Do a little at a time.
Splitting chores between you and your spouse over several days will keep weekends from turning into nonstop drudgery. "We used to jam all of the housework into Saturdays, but now my husband and I have designated weekdays for certain cleaning jobs," says Kate Richardson, mother of a 2-year-old. "By spreading chores out across the week, keeping a (fairly) clean house seems less overwhelming — plus we've freed up more weekend time for family fun," she says.
Appeal to his charitable side.
Show your husband that getting rid of the toys collecting cobwebs in your living room and the forgotten clothes in your closets is a great way to help a good cause and save your family money. Ask him to oversee a "giveaway box" to which he and the kids can contribute, and then put yourself on a calling list for a couple of charities and thrift stores. "They call every other month to see if we have anything to donate, and we gather up books we've finished, clothes and shoes the kids have outgrown, and toys they're bored with," says Ann Struckman, mother of three children, ages 13, 9, and 2. "The charity picks up the items and leaves a donation slip for tax write-off purposes."
Outsource!
If you can, make some cuts in your budget, and use the money to hire cleaning help. (Cost will vary depending on where you live and the size of your house, but the national average for someone to clean every week or every other week is around $75 to $110 per visit.) "We hired a housecleaning team after our daughter was born, and it's worth every penny, not just in time, but also arguments avoided," says Catherine Holecko, mother to a 3-year-old and a newborn. "Cleaning ranks way below family, work, and personal time in my order of priorities. Also, having cleaners come every two weeks forces us to do a round of picking up and de-cluttering on the day before they come."
And if he still doesn't pitch in...
"If you're still being ignored, it may be time to play hardball and say, 'I'm not going to keep doing all the things I'm doing,'" suggests psychologist Coleman. Take something off your plate that you know your mate relies on you to get done. For instance, if you usually pay the bills and your husband can't stand them to be late, tell him you're no longer paying the bills. Coleman points out that tough-love should be your last resort, but it can be surprisingly effective.
Take time to reconnect.
Finally, if you've been more irritated than usual by dishes collecting in the sink, consider whether it's merely the grimy plates that need attention. "In all my years of working with couples there seems to be this pattern: When men aren't paying attention to their wives, the housework issue becomes more of an issue," says marital therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido. "It becomes less of an issue if men are making an effort to be closer emotionally." Weiner-Davis frequently sees a vicious cycle: When women aren't getting help, they become less physically affectionate with their spouses, who in turn withdraw more emotionally. "It would ease tension if couples took the time to reconnect on a regular basis," says Weiner-Davis.
So at least once a month, do the things you used to enjoy together before you had children (and a messy house). Send the kids to Grandma's overnight so you can have a romantic evening in. Or hire a babysitter and go out for a relaxing dinner. Besides remembering what made you a good couple, the next-best part is that neither of you has to clean up the dishes afterward.
Now that you've learned how to get your mate to help out on the home front, read on for advice on getting your children to do their fair share. (If you're raising a boy, you'll also be doing the next generation of women a favor!)
| Whistle while you work Snow White's dwarfs had the right idea: My 3-year-old loves to sing the Barney cleanup song or make up tunes to go along with the task at hand. Singing really makes our jobs go faster. — April, mother of one going on two |
| Clean sweep Here's a fun way to keep hardwood floors free of dust bunnies: My 4-year-old daughter and I put dry, dusting mitts on our feet and skate around the house. — Julie, mother of a 2-year old |
| Scavenger hunt My son loves to help me clear the clutter around the house when I turn it into a seeking game. For instance, I'll ask him to find everything on the floor that has wheels on it in five minutes and have him put it in the appropriate storage basket. Or we'll go around the house on a dirty dish hunt. — Susan, mother of a 3-year-old |
| Mini me My kids love to use miniature brooms, mops, and snow shovels to work alongside my husband and me. They have so much fun and we get such a kick out of watching them in action. — Jenn, mother of two |
| Beat the clock I get my boys excited to pitch in by challenging them to the "ten minute tidy." I set a timer, and we race around the house picking up as much as we can before the buzzer goes off. My kids have so much fun that they don't even realize they're cleaning. — Melissa, mother of two |
| A clean house is in the stars My son used to hate picking up his toys until we started the "star system." I bought colorful, star-shaped stickers and listed his responsibilities in a notebook. Now he gets a star for every task he accomplishes and exchanges them for ice cream, sweets, little toys, or stickers when we go grocery shopping. — Pauline, mother of a 4-year-old |
| Crank up the tunes and dance My daughter and I play music and dance around while we're picking up toys and doing other housework. It's a great bonding time and we have so much fun that the chores whiz by. Plus, it's a great workout! — Elizabeth, mother of a 5-year-old |
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