Time-Outs. What, How and When?
Time-outs: How to make them workby Paula Spencer and Karen Miles |
What to expect at this age
It's a 2-year-old's job to explore the world around him — and part of that exploration involves testing the boundaries of his world. That means your 2-year-old will gleefully push the limits you impose in an effort to find out what's okay and what's not okay. He's also a creature ruled by emotion, and can turn on a dime from a happy-go-lucky child to a flailing, wailing wild thing.
When your child gets too worked up for his own good, sometimes the best way to help him get a handle on himself is to remove him from whatever sparked the meltdown (or the limits-pushing) in favor of a little quiet time, better known as a time-out. Though many experts, including Penelope Leach, are skeptical about using traditional time-outs with children so young, it's fine to introduce the concept of a cooling-off period now. Six strategies for making the most of time-outs with your child:
What to do
Understand what a time-out is — and isn't. If you don't think of a time-out as punishment, neither will your child, and that's as it should be. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to teach your child how to cope with common frustrations and modify his behavior. Although at times it may require superhuman effort, try not to scold, yell, or speak angrily when you call "time-out" — the point isn't to chastise your child, it's simply to help him switch gears. The goal of a time-out is to defuse and redirect an escalating situation in an unemotional way, and to help your child behave without setting a negative example, the way yelling does.
Don't give formal time-outs before your child is ready for them. Two-year-olds find it hard to sit still, so trying to make your little one stay in one place for a prescribed length of time may well disintegrate into a chase scene: Your child runs away from his time-out spot, delighted with this new game. You catch him, then struggle to make him stay. You threaten, he laughs. You grab, he bolts. Meanwhile, because 2-year-olds have short attention spans, your child forgets why you wanted him to sit still in the first place. Instead of helping him regain his self-control, you find yourself in an escalating power struggle.
That's why traditional time-outs won't work until your child begins to appreciate the need to follow rules (usually around his third birthday). Watch for signs that he understands what's allowed and what's not — if he reminds you of the rules when you break them, chances are he's absorbed that lesson. If, for instance, he catches you doing something you normally wouldn't allow him to — munching potato chips on the sofa, say — he may scold, "You're not supposed to do that, Mommy." Until that point, though, hold off on time-outs or your child will feel he's being punished but won't understand why.
Meanwhile, try to distinguish between your child's natural inquisitiveness and willful disobedience. Instead of constantly correcting his behavior, childproof your home to reduce the opportunities for mischief, and distract your child to redirect his attention to more suitable activities. Save time-outs for when your child is doing something he knows is wrong and distraction and redirection just aren't working, or when he needs to get a grip on his emotions.
Take time-outs together. Most 2-year-olds just aren't ready for solitary time-outs, so introduce the idea of time-out by taking a "positive" one together. When your 2-year-old gets revved up and borders on losing control, try saying, "Let's take a time-out to read a book until we feel better." Any quiet activity, such as listening to music, lying down, or putting together a simple puzzle will work.
Taking a time-out with you gets your child used to the idea of a cooling-off period. It disrupts the downward spiral of negative behavior while avoiding the battle of wills that a more formal time-out can incite.
Plan ahead. Don't spring time-outs on your child in a burst of frustration — this discipline method works best if it's explained ahead of time. Use simple terms: "When you get too wild or act in a way that Mommy and Daddy don't think is a good idea, I'll call, 'Time-out.' That means you'll sit in this chair for a little while until you can calm yourself down." You may find it helpful to act this out or to use a doll or teddy bear to demonstrate.
Be flexible. With a 2-year-old, your goal is simply to introduce the idea of an enforced break in the action. Such an interruption can be upsetting enough to your hard-charging, egocentric 2-year-old; insisting that he sit in a certain place, in a certain way, for a certain length of time may be too much for him. Instead of marching him to a special "time-out" chair, for instance, consider just having him sit still right where he is — and stay with him if need be. Go easy, too, in determining how long he needs to stay there. (Don't start following the common one-minute-per-year rule until your child is at least 3.) Thirty seconds to a minute is generally enough for a 2-year-old. The period should be long enough to refocus his attention but not so long that he gets frustrated. One idea: Have him sit and recite his ABCs, then redirect him to a different activity.
Don't expect miracles. As you've no doubt discovered, 2-year-olds are notoriously active, willful, and unpredictable. This is normal (though admittedly tough on you), and the only solution is plenty of patience. Testing limits and gauging your reactions — over and over again — is your child's way of establishing a secure understanding of his world. He may repeatedly toss food off the table to establish that gravity continues to exist. He may repeat an action just to make sure it's still "not okay," so consistency is vital.
No single disciplinary approach — including time-outs — will transform your child into an obedient angel. But learning what behaviors are normal (or at least unavoidable!) at this age will help keep your expectations realistic. If, on the other hand, your child is usually pretty compliant and easily redirected, you may be lucky enough never to need time-out. You may also find that using the positive time-out technique — changing the pace to a quieter activity — works well throughout your youngster's childhood.
Time-outs: How to make them work |
What to expect at this age
Most of the time, your grade-schooler acts like a "big kid" who knows how to control herself. But, in fact, she's still hard at work learning to make her way in the world, and testing her own autonomy and the limits of your authority. That means from time to time she may flout your directives and push the limits you impose. And despite her seeming maturity, your child's emotions can still get the better of her, and she may turn on a dime from a happy-go-lucky kid to a pouting, defiant rebel.
When your child crosses the line or gets too worked up for her own good, sometimes the best way to nip the behavior in the bud is to remove her from the activity at hand and give her some quiet time alone, better known as a time-out. This discipline method is a great, non-punitive way to shape behavior. The key is knowing how and when to use the technique. Six strategies for making the most of time-outs:
What to do
Understand what a time-out is — and isn't. If you don't think of a time-out as punishment neither will your child, and that's as it should be. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to help your grade-schooler cope with common frustrations and modify her behavior. While your child is in a time-out, she's on her own, so don't check on her every few minutes or try to cajole her into drying her tears. And although at times it may require superhuman effort, try not to scold, yell, or speak angrily — the point is to just let her sit in solitude for a few minutes. Quiet time alone allows your child to switch gears and calm down if she's gotten worked up. Just as importantly, it gives you the chance to step aside and not get caught up in your child's struggle. The goal of a time-out is to defuse and redirect an escalating situation in an unemotional way, and to teach your grade-schooler to behave without setting a negative example, the way yelling does.
Time the time-out. When it's called for, impose a time-out swiftly — as immediately after the transgression as possible. In fact, if you sense that your child is winding up, call a time-out before she blows. By this point, your grade-schooler understands what time-outs are all about, so you might even ask her if she thinks she needs some time to calm down. Use an old-fashioned kitchen timer to track the minutes; most experts agree that a minute a year is a good rule of thumb (so a 7-year-old would serve seven minutes). If you leave your child in time-out longer than that, she's likely to shift her focus from calming down to being angry and resentful, which counteracts what the time-out is supposed to do. If your child's progressed to the point where she accepts time-outs without too much struggle, ask her how much time she thinks she needs and have her set the timer herself. This lessens the indignity she's probably feeling (something that matters a lot to an intense, "spirited" child) and gives her some measure of control over the situation. Eventually, she may even call her own time-outs (but don't hold your breath).
Choose the right place. Some experts recommend sending kids to their bedroom for time-outs, while others suggest a less entertaining environment (like a bottom step or a chair in a nearby room). Keep in mind that the purpose of a time-out is for your child to gather herself — you decide where she'll best do this. Whatever you choose, find a time-out spot removed from the activity that set your grade-schooler off. Don't put her somewhere frightening — if she continues to act out, it's okay to close her bedroom door, but locking her in her room or banishing her to a dark pantry or basement may well be fodder for future therapy. Remember: You want to calm her down, not scare her into submission.
No matter where she serves her time, encourage your child to experiment with self-calming techniques. One advantage of bedroom time-outs: If looking at a book, listening to some music, or drawing a picture of her feelings helps your grade-schooler wind down, she'll learn how to get her temper under control by herself — a skill that'll come in handy during school hours too.
Be consistent. Decide — when you're not angry yourself — what actions merit a time-out. If you use time-out too often, you'll dilute its effectiveness, so save it for the tougher problems — aggressive acts such as hitting and throwing toys, or open defiance. Then find a quiet moment to discuss with your child the time-out policy in your family, letting her know where you'll give time-outs, for what reasons, and for how long. Once you've outlined the rules, stick to them. Being wishy-washy, or offering lengthy explanations or third and fourth chances, will only invite protests. Your grade-schooler needs to know exactly what to expect, and she needs to know that she can't wheedle her way out of it. "You hit your brother, so you're going to have a seven-minute time-out right now," is all you need to say.
Follow up. When the time-out is over, address the transgression that put her there in the first place. If she tackled her brother when he declined to share a toy, for instance, have her tell you what she did wrong and apologize to her sibling. Also ask how she'll handle the situation next time. Don't yell at her, don't lecture her, and don't give her a big hug now that it's over. She may be remorseful (and you may even feel a little guilty for banishing her), but rewarding her with positive reinforcement at the end of the time-out may actually encourage future misbehavior.
Give your child plenty of time-in, too. Just as time-outs discourage bad behavior, "time-ins" reinforce good behavior. If you find yourself constantly imposing time-outs on your child for getting into scrapes with her little sister, for instance, make every effort to "catch" your grade-schooler getting along with her too. Then tell her, "What a great job you're doing playing with Zoe. I love it when you're kind to her!" The more effort you put into time-in, the less you may need to enforce time-out.
What to do when time-outs don't workby Paula Spencer |
Why it happens
So you've heard great things about the magic of time-outs — removing your misbehaving preschooler from the action for a little solitary quiet time. The problem is, time-outs seem to have no effect on your child. Should you abandon this discipline method, or stick with it? Stick with it, but do a little time-out troubleshooting first.
What to do if:
Your preschooler doesn't take time-outs seriously. Consistency is the key here: Don't call a time-out today but skip it tomorrow for the same behavior because you're in a better mood. And always follow through on a warning if your child doesn't heed you.
It's also important to give the time-out on the spot. Don't wait 30 minutes — or even five — until it's more convenient. If you're out in public, give the time-out right where you are. At the supermarket, you might have your preschooler sit on the floor in an out-of-the-way corner, or take him to the car if he's out of control. If you wait until you get home, you lose the opportunity to use time-out in the way it's intended. As soon as a time-out is disconnected from the immediate behavior, it becomes a threat, and then a punishment, and doesn't teach your child much. Remember that the point of time-out is not to make your preschooler quake in his Keds. It's simply to help him (and you) cool off and regain self-control.
Your child won't stay put. Most preschoolers find it hard to sit still for more than a few seconds, let alone for three or four minutes. Don't feel you have to stick to the standard minute-per-year rule for time-outs; as soon as your child has calmed down and switched gears, the time-out has served its purpose.
If your preschooler refuses to go to his time-out place and stay there, he needs your help. Walk him to the chosen spot, and calmly instruct him to sit down. If he springs up, gently sit him back down again. Don't let these jack-in-the-box pop-ups become a game, though. If your youngster gets up a third time, simply sit down with him and hold him in your arms for the duration of the time-out. Do this consistently and without scolding. Don't show your anger or launch into a lecture; a neutral, matter-of-fact attitude works best. And it goes without saying that you should never jerk or force your preschooler to his time-out spot.
Your preschooler just gets into more trouble during a time-out. The idea of a time-out is to remove your child from whatever's getting him worked up — not to remove your attention from him. Though it's a popular time-out spot, a child's bedroom may not be the best place to encourage "quiet time." First, it's likely to be out of your sight (and possibly earshot as well). Second, since your preschooler may still be learning to sleep well on his own, his bedroom should be a sanctuary rather than a site for discipline. Instead, choose a nearby chair, a corner, or another safe spot that's away from a lot of distractions — then stay there with him if need be.
Your child cries and yells through the whole time-out. It's upsetting to listen to, but a dramatic show of tears doesn't mean the time-out isn't working. Angry protests are hard for kids this age to stifle. Your preschooler doesn't have to sit as quiet as a mouse to learn something from this suspension of activity. Your mission: To ignore the hubbub. Trying to get your preschooler to quiet down only introduces a new power struggle and distracts from the point you're trying to make. Most kids calm down eventually. Even if yours doesn't, the key issue is whether he continues to misbehave after the time-out. If his actions and composure improve, you've made your point.
It helps to begin a time-out before your child reaches the point of no return. Intervene with diversionary tactics at the first signs of an impending meltdown. If those don't work, go promptly to time-out.
Time-outs only make tantrums worse. Tantrums — those screaming, kicking fits that overcome almost every preschooler now and then — are utterly normal at this age. They tend to burst forth when your child gets especially frustrated, angry, or disappointed (usually because you won't let him have or do something) and he lacks both the verbal skills to express his feelings and the emotional skills to cope with them.
A tantruming preschooler has lost control, and only he can regain it — a period of parent-imposed calm won't necessarily help. As you've discovered, forcing your child to sit still just makes him madder. Rather than give a time-out during a temper tantrum, it's usually wiser to simply let the tantrum burn itself out. Hard as it is, do your best not to get swept up in your child's hysteria.
You can't seem to pull off time-outs away from home. This is a portable tactic. Even if you've designated a special spot for time-outs at home, you can still use the basic idea when you're out and about as long as you can find a relatively quiet spot to take your child. It could be a park bench, your car, or one of the less-traveled aisles at the grocery store. Use a calm, quiet voice to avoid embarrassing your preschooler and riling him further. Try to shrug off any embarrassment you might feel yourself, too — remember, you're just doing your job as a parent.
It seems as though your preschooler spends half the day in time-out. A child this age is constantly exploring — the world is one big experiment to him. He wants to discover what things are, how they work, and what he can (and can't) do. Along the way, of course, he does plenty of things that you'd rather he didn't, from cutting the hair off his sister's dolls to pulling all the petals off your prize roses. You can't rely on time-outs to correct every annoying act, though; not only will your preschooler find it hard to connect his actions with all that quiet time, but you also risk stifling his natural curiosity.
Save time-outs for instances when your preschooler needs to get his emotions under control or is being willfully disobedient, and ignore irritating but harmless acts. These explorations just prove that he's a normal, inquisitive child. Take a deep breath, steer him away from trouble spots, and substitute a less destructive activity. Above all, provide plenty of "time-in" — including encouragement, hugs, and kisses — whether or not he's doing something you like.
What to do when time-outs don't workby Paula Spencer |
Why it happens
Every once in a while, when you're at your wits' end, you give your misbehaving grade-schooler a time-out — removing him from the action for a little solitary quiet time. The problem is, it never seems to work. Maybe he throws a tantrum, maybe he runs off in the other direction, or maybe he teasingly ignores your request to stay in his time-out spot. Should you abandon this discipline method, or stick with it? Stick with it, but do a little time-out troubleshooting first — perhaps your technique could simply use a tune-up.
What to do if:
Your child doesn't take time-outs seriously. Consistency is the key here: Don't call a time-out today but skip it tomorrow for the same behavior because you're in a better mood. And always follow through on a warning if your child doesn't heed you.
It's also important to give the time-out on the spot. Don't wait 30 minutes — or even five — until it's more convenient. If you're out in public, give the time-out right where you are. At the supermarket, you might have your grade-schooler sit on the floor in an out-of-the-way corner, or take him to the car if he's out of control. If you wait until you get home, you lose the opportunity to use time-out in the way it's intended. As soon as a time-out is disconnected from the immediate behavior, it becomes a threat, and then a punishment, and doesn't teach your child much. Remember that the point of time-out is not to make your kid quake in his Keds. It's simply to help him (and you) cool off and regain self-control.
Your grade-schooler thinks it's a big game.Remember, your attitude cues your child: If you're serious about time-out, he'll have to be, too. A cool, matter-of-fact demeanor works best. If your facial expression or tone of voice betrays exasperation, your child is sure to pick up on it. And, of course, it's vital to keep a straight face, even if he's shamelessly kissing up to you or showing impressive negotiating skills in an attempt to wheedle his way out of a time-out.
Your child won't stay put. When your grade-schooler refuses to go to his time-out place and stay there, he needs your help. Walk him to the chosen spot, and calmly instruct him to sit down. If he springs up, gently sit him back down again. Don't let these jack-in-the-box pop-ups become a game, though. If your youngster gets up a third time, simply sit down with him and hold him in your arms for the duration of the time-out. Do this consistently and without scolding. And it goes without saying that you should never jerk or force your child to his time-out spot.
If your grade-schooler simply won't stay in a time-out, there's little you can do to force the issue (short of pinning him to the floor — hardly a dignified position for either of you). But do let him know that there will be a consequence. This might mean missing his favorite TV show that day, or temporarily losing access to whatever it was that set him off in the first place.
Your child cries and yells through the whole time-out. It's upsetting to listen to, but a dramatic show of tears doesn't mean the time-out isn't working. Kids this age do get very angry sometimes, and your child doesn't have to sit as quiet as a mouse to learn something from this suspension of activity. Your mission: To ignore the hubbub. Trying to get your grade-schooler to quiet down only introduces a new power struggle and distracts from the point you're trying to make. Most kids calm down eventually. Even if yours doesn't, the key issue is whether he continues to misbehave after the time-out. If his actions and composure improve, you've made your point.
It helps to begin a time-out before your child reaches the point of no return. Intervene with diversionary tactics at the first signs of an impending meltdown. If those don't work, go promptly to time-out.
After a time-out, your child continues to misbehave. Give it time. When you try a new (or long-neglected) approach, your grade-schooler's behavior may get worse before it gets better. He's testing you to see if you'll really stand fast. If the mischief persists, swiftly give your youngster another time-out. Use the technique consistently, even if it seems to have no effect, and keep your explanations short and sweet: "You need to think some more about what I said."
Time-outs make your grade-schooler angrier, not calmer. Say your child grows restless and resentful (and thus more likely to misbehave) when he feels a time-out's gone on too long. In that case, the tactic isn't doing what it's supposed to — interrupt negative behavior. Keep in mind that while a minute per year is a handy guideline in setting time-outs, it isn't an absolute. (In fact, more than a few minutes may seem like an eternity to many grade-schoolers.) As soon as he's calmed down and switched gears, the time-out has served its purpose.
It's also important to make time-out just one of many strategies you employ when your child misbehaves. It's easy to fall into the habit of automatically calling time-out when you could try less drastic tactics. Rather than responding to ball throwing in the house with a time-out, for instance, offer your child a couple of acceptable alternatives: "If you want to play catch, let's go outside. If you want to stay inside, you need to find another game." If the ball throwing continues, proceed to a warning: "If you don't stop throwing the ball in the house, I'm going to put it away and give you some time to think about what I said." This sets up two possible resolutions before you move to time-out.
You can't seem to pull off time-outs away from home. This is a portable tactic. Even if you've designated a special spot for time-outs at home, you can still use the basic idea when you're out and about as long as you can find a relatively quiet spot to take your child. It could be a park bench, your car, or one of the less-traveled aisles at the grocery store. Use a calm, quiet voice to avoid embarrassing your grade-schooler and riling him further. Try to shrug off any embarrassment you might feel yourself, too — remember, you're just doing your job as a parent.
Time-out worked for a while but doesn't anymore. When time-out loses its potency, it's often because the tactic has been overused. Your grade-schooler no longer views it as an opportunity to calm down and think. Instead, he thinks of it as a repressive response to every act of assertion on his part. In this case, remind yourself that time-out is not a punishment, but a break in the action designed to help your child get a grip on his emotions and behavior. Keep in mind, too, that your grade-schooler still needs plenty of "time-in," — including encouragement, hugs, and kisses — whether or not he's doing something you like. Time-outs will regain their power when you save them for times when you're certain nothing else will work
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