How to raise your spirited kid
Excerpts from baby center
Living with a toddler can be like sharing a house with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. If your child is "spirited," the toddler years can be especially trying.
What defines a spirited child? "All toddlers are busy: They're climbing and jumping and throwing things," says Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the popular books Raising Your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime. "But the high-energy kid is the one who can get to the top of the refrigerator. All toddlers say 'no,' too, but a spirited child's 'no's!' are louder and more frequent, his tantrums longer lasting and more intense. You gradually realize that as a parent you're working harder than your neighbor, whose child is simply not as intense, persistent, and emphatic as yours. Your child is still normal, he's just more of everything."
Spirited kids are definitely a challenge, but there are ways to defuse daily battles and teach your toddler to learn to control himself. Here are Kurcinka's top strategies:
Manage anger
Age: 12 to 24 months
How it works: Toddlers are tantrum-prone because they're not yet able to control their emotions, experts say. "Tantrums aren't really a discipline issue, they're about anger management," says Madelyn Swift. "Tantrums happen when kids don't get their way and they're mad."
Step one in this situation is to let your child calm down in whatever way works best for her. If she'll let you hold her, hug and rock her until she's quiet. If touching her only sets her off again, give her space to calm down by herself.
Don't try to talk to her about what happened until she's over the emotional storm, Swift says. But once it's over, don't let relief prevent you from addressing what happened. Instead, replay the tape and return to the scene of the crime. It's time to fix whatever mistakes were made.
Real-life application: Your toddler didn't want to get dressed and threw a fit, hurling toy cars around the room. Once she's stable, take her back to the toy cars and calmly but firmly tell her it's time to pick them up. If the task seems too daunting, split it up. Point to one pile of cars and say, "You pick up these cars and I'll pick up the ones over there." Stay there until your toddler has finished her portion of the job.
If she refuses and has another tantrum, the cycle repeats itself. But wait longer for her to settle down this time, and make sure she knows you mean business. Then back to the cars you go.
Let him know what's coming.
All toddlers become anxious when they can't predict what's coming next, but most spirited children need events spelled out to a degree that you might not expect. When it's time to leave the playground and your 2-year-old throws himself on the ground howling, it's probably because he's insecure about what's coming next. Tell him in detail: You'll go to the car, we'll drive straight home, find Sis and Dad there, and have spaghetti for dinner.
Remember that with toddlers, words aren't always enough. You might tell him "Daddy will pick you up from daycare this afternoon," for example, but he may well have trouble remembering it all day. In this case, you might ask his daycare provider to remind him later in the day that Daddy's handling pick-up duties.
Sometimes visual cues can help. If Grandma and Grandpa are coming for an annual visit, show him photos ahead of time. You might even make a picture book outlining his bedtime ritual: bath, pajamas, story, bed. You can't cut all the surprises out of your toddler's life, of course, but you can minimize the stress by giving him a heads-up when you can.
Be clear and consistent.
Spirited children need the security and consistency of clear rules, so it's important to set limits. If nap time is always after lunch and your spirited 3-year-old puts up a fuss, be firm and confident as you enforce his rest period. If videos aren't allowed after dinner but you let him watch "just this one" tonight so you can make a phone call, he'll test you and demand one forcefully every night for the rest of the week.
Maintain physical contact.
"As toddlers move toward independence, they still very much need connection," says Kurcinka. Maybe your toddler would like a backrub before bed. Or he might enjoy cuddling with you in a rocking chair in the morning. Have him bring toys into your room so he can play near you while you dress for work. At daycare, sit with him on the floor until he moves into the group on his own.
These tactics may seem to slow you down initially, but they'll actually save you time in avoided tantrums and battles. "Toddlers need to know they can trust you to be there for them. That way they'll ultimately be more independent," says Kurcinka.
Create a "yes" environment.
"Me do!" are a toddler's favorite words, says Kurcinka. Let your child pour his own juice out of a little pitcher, use a fork at dinner, and put on his own shoes. Even if everything is a little messier and takes a little longer, his increased independence and cooperation are worth it.
Also, look at how your house is organized. Is there a low cupboard in the kitchen filled with pots and plastic containers that he can play with? Are his toys and books easy to reach? Is there a bed, couch, or floor pillow that he's allowed to jump on? The more child-friendly your home is, the less you'll be fighting with him to keep away from special things and places.
Avoid danger spots.
If your highly energetic child can't sit still at the table, choose restaurants wisely or plan a family picnic in the park instead. If he's slow to adapt to new people, don't plop him on Santa's lap. Stay with him and approach Santa gradually or wait until next year. And if you find yourself in an overly stimulating situation, such as a playmate's big birthday party, don't be shy about leaving early before your toddler loses it.
Soothe his senses.
Help your spirited child wind down when the intensity level starts to rise. Water can be especially soothing: Give him a warm bath on a cold night, put a cool washcloth on his forehead on a summer afternoon, or let him play with his rubber ducks in the kitchen sink while you're cooking.
For older toddlers, finger paints and modeling clay are also calming sensory activities. For younger toddlers (under 2), it feels good to spread sand, cornmeal, or shaving cream on a play surface.
Acknowledge feelings.
Talk to your spirited toddler about why he's starting to melt down and let him know he's not the only one who is overcome by difficult emotions sometimes. Try saying "The people and the noise are bothering you. They're bothering me too. We'll leave the mall as soon as we've paid for these shoes."
Even if he doesn't seem to learn much from what you say at this age, explain it to him anyway. (Just don't become angry with him when your perfectly logical explanations don't result in his quick compliance.) Toddlers usually aren't able to change their behavior in response to verbal reasoning, but this exercise will help you empathize with your child. And eventually he'll learn to recognize what winds him up before he goes over the edge.
Reward good behavior.
Don't worry that your spirited toddler will get a big head if you praise him. Reinforce his efforts with positive messages: "Good job getting out of the tub when I asked you to" or "You really used your quiet voice at Peter's house today." Try to never pass up a chance to praise the behavior you're trying to teach.
Set realistic expectations.
The many daily transitions adults take for granted getting out of the house, in and out of the car, to daycare, to the store, home again, going to bed are especially hard on a spirited toddler, who needs extra time to cope with change and who may become overwhelmed by people and noise.
"The average 2-year-old has spent 500 hours in a car," says Kurcinka. "Ask yourself, 'Can I expect my toddler to handle this?'"
Living with a toddler can be like sharing a house with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. If your child is "spirited," the toddler years can be especially trying.
What defines a spirited child? "All toddlers are busy: They're climbing and jumping and throwing things," says Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the popular books Raising Your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime. "But the high-energy kid is the one who can get to the top of the refrigerator. All toddlers say 'no,' too, but a spirited child's 'no's!' are louder and more frequent, his tantrums longer lasting and more intense. You gradually realize that as a parent you're working harder than your neighbor, whose child is simply not as intense, persistent, and emphatic as yours. Your child is still normal, he's just more of everything."
Spirited kids are definitely a challenge, but there are ways to defuse daily battles and teach your toddler to learn to control himself. Here are Kurcinka's top strategies:
Manage anger
Age: 12 to 24 months
How it works: Toddlers are tantrum-prone because they're not yet able to control their emotions, experts say. "Tantrums aren't really a discipline issue, they're about anger management," says Madelyn Swift. "Tantrums happen when kids don't get their way and they're mad."
Step one in this situation is to let your child calm down in whatever way works best for her. If she'll let you hold her, hug and rock her until she's quiet. If touching her only sets her off again, give her space to calm down by herself.
Don't try to talk to her about what happened until she's over the emotional storm, Swift says. But once it's over, don't let relief prevent you from addressing what happened. Instead, replay the tape and return to the scene of the crime. It's time to fix whatever mistakes were made.
Real-life application: Your toddler didn't want to get dressed and threw a fit, hurling toy cars around the room. Once she's stable, take her back to the toy cars and calmly but firmly tell her it's time to pick them up. If the task seems too daunting, split it up. Point to one pile of cars and say, "You pick up these cars and I'll pick up the ones over there." Stay there until your toddler has finished her portion of the job.
If she refuses and has another tantrum, the cycle repeats itself. But wait longer for her to settle down this time, and make sure she knows you mean business. Then back to the cars you go.
Let him know what's coming.
All toddlers become anxious when they can't predict what's coming next, but most spirited children need events spelled out to a degree that you might not expect. When it's time to leave the playground and your 2-year-old throws himself on the ground howling, it's probably because he's insecure about what's coming next. Tell him in detail: You'll go to the car, we'll drive straight home, find Sis and Dad there, and have spaghetti for dinner.
Remember that with toddlers, words aren't always enough. You might tell him "Daddy will pick you up from daycare this afternoon," for example, but he may well have trouble remembering it all day. In this case, you might ask his daycare provider to remind him later in the day that Daddy's handling pick-up duties.
Sometimes visual cues can help. If Grandma and Grandpa are coming for an annual visit, show him photos ahead of time. You might even make a picture book outlining his bedtime ritual: bath, pajamas, story, bed. You can't cut all the surprises out of your toddler's life, of course, but you can minimize the stress by giving him a heads-up when you can.
Be clear and consistent.
Spirited children need the security and consistency of clear rules, so it's important to set limits. If nap time is always after lunch and your spirited 3-year-old puts up a fuss, be firm and confident as you enforce his rest period. If videos aren't allowed after dinner but you let him watch "just this one" tonight so you can make a phone call, he'll test you and demand one forcefully every night for the rest of the week.
Maintain physical contact.
"As toddlers move toward independence, they still very much need connection," says Kurcinka. Maybe your toddler would like a backrub before bed. Or he might enjoy cuddling with you in a rocking chair in the morning. Have him bring toys into your room so he can play near you while you dress for work. At daycare, sit with him on the floor until he moves into the group on his own.
These tactics may seem to slow you down initially, but they'll actually save you time in avoided tantrums and battles. "Toddlers need to know they can trust you to be there for them. That way they'll ultimately be more independent," says Kurcinka.
Create a "yes" environment.
"Me do!" are a toddler's favorite words, says Kurcinka. Let your child pour his own juice out of a little pitcher, use a fork at dinner, and put on his own shoes. Even if everything is a little messier and takes a little longer, his increased independence and cooperation are worth it.
Also, look at how your house is organized. Is there a low cupboard in the kitchen filled with pots and plastic containers that he can play with? Are his toys and books easy to reach? Is there a bed, couch, or floor pillow that he's allowed to jump on? The more child-friendly your home is, the less you'll be fighting with him to keep away from special things and places.
Avoid danger spots.
If your highly energetic child can't sit still at the table, choose restaurants wisely or plan a family picnic in the park instead. If he's slow to adapt to new people, don't plop him on Santa's lap. Stay with him and approach Santa gradually or wait until next year. And if you find yourself in an overly stimulating situation, such as a playmate's big birthday party, don't be shy about leaving early before your toddler loses it.
Soothe his senses.
Help your spirited child wind down when the intensity level starts to rise. Water can be especially soothing: Give him a warm bath on a cold night, put a cool washcloth on his forehead on a summer afternoon, or let him play with his rubber ducks in the kitchen sink while you're cooking.
For older toddlers, finger paints and modeling clay are also calming sensory activities. For younger toddlers (under 2), it feels good to spread sand, cornmeal, or shaving cream on a play surface.
Acknowledge feelings.
Talk to your spirited toddler about why he's starting to melt down and let him know he's not the only one who is overcome by difficult emotions sometimes. Try saying "The people and the noise are bothering you. They're bothering me too. We'll leave the mall as soon as we've paid for these shoes."
Even if he doesn't seem to learn much from what you say at this age, explain it to him anyway. (Just don't become angry with him when your perfectly logical explanations don't result in his quick compliance.) Toddlers usually aren't able to change their behavior in response to verbal reasoning, but this exercise will help you empathize with your child. And eventually he'll learn to recognize what winds him up before he goes over the edge.
Reward good behavior.
Don't worry that your spirited toddler will get a big head if you praise him. Reinforce his efforts with positive messages: "Good job getting out of the tub when I asked you to" or "You really used your quiet voice at Peter's house today." Try to never pass up a chance to praise the behavior you're trying to teach.
Set realistic expectations.
The many daily transitions adults take for granted getting out of the house, in and out of the car, to daycare, to the store, home again, going to bed are especially hard on a spirited toddler, who needs extra time to cope with change and who may become overwhelmed by people and noise.
"The average 2-year-old has spent 500 hours in a car," says Kurcinka. "Ask yourself, 'Can I expect my toddler to handle this?'"
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